I am the queen of excuses. From the reason I eat so bad (I work hard, I deserve to eat what I want) to the reason I don't work out (I'm not a morning person and my kids and job use up all of my energy so I'm too tired at night). I have an excuse for everything and it's doing me NO favors. I don't hate the way I look, but I'm not happy about it either. I am about 30 lbs. heavier than I was when I got married (back when I referred to myself as a "bigger girl") and I would love to be closer to that weight. I wear a size 14 and I'm pretty okay with that, but I hate that I look like I'm 5 months pregnant (and get a lot of those looks from people.) I don't think it's a crime to be over 30, given birth three times in three years, and have packed on a few pounds. Plus my job involves a lot of sitting, driving, and eating at restaurants and convenience stores. There I go with the excuses again. Ug.
As a new school year starts, I think it's a good time for a resolution. It's going to be weird this year, as I am not actually going back to school, but rather, I am going back to 15 schools and a different one every day. That said, I love the energy of autumn and the anticipation of the school year. To me this time of year is an awesome time to reflect on personal goals and improvements to be made in the upcoming months.
My resolution is simple: No more excuses. I don't want to hear them from myself (that inner voice that justifies all of my negative habits) and I don't want to hear them from those around me either. Do the job at hand. If it is successful, keep doing what you're doing. If you screw up, recognize it, own it, and make the necessary improvements. I am sick to death of justification and reasons for not getting things done.
This goes for myself as much as anyone. Recently I was chewed out by my boss at work. This was a world-class chewing. Took at least 20 minutes and he didn't draw a breath. Five years ago, I would have been in tears. Thankfully my skin is a little thicker and the pressure for me to "practice what I preach" is greater. I took a breath, owned my shortcomings, and vowed to improve. I started taking the necessary steps to improve the situation the very next day. Was I bummed about the chewing? Yes. I give 100% to my job and expect others to do the same. Do I want to serve as an example to my coworkers and colleagues? Yes. Time for me to own it and improve it instead of making excuses that waste time and distract from more important matters.
Cutting out the excuses in my life is not going to be easy. Those inner voices have had a lot of practice and won't be quieted without some effort. As far as everyone else goes, my goal is to lead by example. Hopefully the fewer excuses they hear from me, the fewer I will hear from them. Sounds like a good way to start my favorite season.
UPDATE: In my previous blog, dated June 25, 2013, I described witnessing a car accident. I found out that the woman involved survived the accident. Apparently her accident was caused by a seizure, not distracted driving. She is okay, but she has a long road ahead of her. A benefit to help with her medical costs is being held on September 7, 2013 at the Five Mile Bar in Butte. You can call 406-565-6660 for more information.
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Hello to you... and hello trauma. It's been awhile for both.
It has been awhile since I last posted to this blog and I will start with my excuses as to why I haven't written. 1.) I am now the proud mother of TWO sweet boys and life with two toddlers, is, well, busy. I don't even know my own name most days. 2.) I now have a new position in my company where I am either on the road or in front of a computer. When I do have some down time, the last place I want to be is on my computer. However, I am a smart phone junkie so that excuse doesn't hold a lot of water. I'm pretty sure this site has a mobile app, so I will be taking care of that one. 3.) I stopped writing because I started becoming too much of a perfectionist. My grammar and punctuation and sentence structure, and all those things we geeks worry about, were not up to my standards anymore and I quit, rather than taking the time to improve myself. There you have it, my excuses in a nutshell.
That said, this blog started with a traumatic event, losing my son, Keller, and it is being revived due to a traumatic event. It's funny how trauma does different things to different people. Some people want to hide, some want to escape, some want to expose it. For some reason, I look to the written word for comfort during times of crisis. It's like I want to capture the emotions of the moment, so I can make sense of them in some geeky way. Words have always given me comfort in the past, whether it was quotes, song lyrics, the bible, books, etc. Traumas can also make a person feel very isolated. Deep down, I hope that someone who needs them will read my words, feel less alone in the world, and be comforted.
Today I witnessed a pretty horrible accident on my way home from work. A woman, about my age, must have been distracted on her drive home from work and crashed near me. She was headed in the opposite direction in the freeway, flew over my lanes of traffic, through a fence, and stopped on a frontage road next to the highway. She obviously had a lot of internal injuries and wasn't conscious during the time I spent with her. Some people were able to help her breathe, but she was very badly hurt. I heard chatter on the police scanner, while I was filling out my statement in the patrol car, that she wouldn't likely survive. She was not wearing a seatbelt.
My heart breaks for this unknown woman and her family. My prayer is that she overcomes the odds that are now stacked against her and recovers from her injuries. There are a lot of people walking around today who weren't given a lot of chance to live. God is strong and powerful and He can heal her broken body. I pray that that is His will and that everyone involved will learn something from today's chaotic events.
Unfortunately, I seem to be a magnet for such traumas. Earlier in this blog, I mentioned that I was in a severe car accident when I was in college. A motorcyclist crashed in front of, and into, me on a mountain road. He and I crashed into the side of a mountain. My body was injured, but so was my spirit. At the time of that accident, I wondered, "Is this IT? Is this what finally BREAKS me and crushes my spirit?" It took a long time for my body to heal and even longer for my spirit to recover. Slowly I came back. With the help of countless doctors, mentors, friends, and family members, I found my way back to myself. I regained my natural "Jami-ness," only with a few more bumps and bruises.
All of us have trauma in our lives. That motorcycle accident is just one of my many chaotic and confusing experiences. While I don't necessarily believe that "everything happens for a reason," I do believe that God allows us to heal and overcome, hopefully learning and growing along the way. I can't believe in a God who is up there pushing buttons to give us down here more character, but I can believe in a God that gave us free will, thus allowing us to make idiotic decisions. Sometimes, our idiotic decisions affect other people, thus allowing the traumatic and often bewildering events to occur.
I have a lot more to say on this topic, but I will end this post with a few thoughts. If you have experienced trauma, you are not alone. Unfortunately, you have a lot of company in that club. Reach out to someone. You will likely find that you can offer and receive comfort in a shared experience. And wear your seatbelt. Please.
That said, this blog started with a traumatic event, losing my son, Keller, and it is being revived due to a traumatic event. It's funny how trauma does different things to different people. Some people want to hide, some want to escape, some want to expose it. For some reason, I look to the written word for comfort during times of crisis. It's like I want to capture the emotions of the moment, so I can make sense of them in some geeky way. Words have always given me comfort in the past, whether it was quotes, song lyrics, the bible, books, etc. Traumas can also make a person feel very isolated. Deep down, I hope that someone who needs them will read my words, feel less alone in the world, and be comforted.
Today I witnessed a pretty horrible accident on my way home from work. A woman, about my age, must have been distracted on her drive home from work and crashed near me. She was headed in the opposite direction in the freeway, flew over my lanes of traffic, through a fence, and stopped on a frontage road next to the highway. She obviously had a lot of internal injuries and wasn't conscious during the time I spent with her. Some people were able to help her breathe, but she was very badly hurt. I heard chatter on the police scanner, while I was filling out my statement in the patrol car, that she wouldn't likely survive. She was not wearing a seatbelt.
My heart breaks for this unknown woman and her family. My prayer is that she overcomes the odds that are now stacked against her and recovers from her injuries. There are a lot of people walking around today who weren't given a lot of chance to live. God is strong and powerful and He can heal her broken body. I pray that that is His will and that everyone involved will learn something from today's chaotic events.
Unfortunately, I seem to be a magnet for such traumas. Earlier in this blog, I mentioned that I was in a severe car accident when I was in college. A motorcyclist crashed in front of, and into, me on a mountain road. He and I crashed into the side of a mountain. My body was injured, but so was my spirit. At the time of that accident, I wondered, "Is this IT? Is this what finally BREAKS me and crushes my spirit?" It took a long time for my body to heal and even longer for my spirit to recover. Slowly I came back. With the help of countless doctors, mentors, friends, and family members, I found my way back to myself. I regained my natural "Jami-ness," only with a few more bumps and bruises.
All of us have trauma in our lives. That motorcycle accident is just one of my many chaotic and confusing experiences. While I don't necessarily believe that "everything happens for a reason," I do believe that God allows us to heal and overcome, hopefully learning and growing along the way. I can't believe in a God who is up there pushing buttons to give us down here more character, but I can believe in a God that gave us free will, thus allowing us to make idiotic decisions. Sometimes, our idiotic decisions affect other people, thus allowing the traumatic and often bewildering events to occur.
I have a lot more to say on this topic, but I will end this post with a few thoughts. If you have experienced trauma, you are not alone. Unfortunately, you have a lot of company in that club. Reach out to someone. You will likely find that you can offer and receive comfort in a shared experience. And wear your seatbelt. Please.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Good bye itchies... and welcome Tanner Warren!
In my last post, I described the return of intrahepatic cholestasis of pregnancy (ICP), the devastating medical condition that I believe contributed to the loss of my son, Keller. This condition causes intense itching of the skin, mostly on the hands and feet, that is often worse at night. ICP is caused by a rise in bile acids and liver enzymes in the bloodstream, that is generally attributed to pregnancy hormones negatively impacting the function of the liver.
I wish I could say that my battle with ICP ended shortly after I posted my last entry, but the truth is that it got steadily worse. As the weeks wore on, my skin itched so badly that I developed scabs and scars from tearing my skin off with my fingernails. My doctor completed a series of steroid shots, which helped for a few days. Then I started itching very badly before the Labor Day weekend, so my doctor prescribed some oral steroids, which also worked for a few days. Following Labor Day, the itching got so intense that I could no longer sleep and had become an emotional mess.
On Monday, September 13, I went to my doctor and expressed to him that I couldn't stand the itching any longer. The itching, combined with the intense worry that something was happening to my baby, had become unbearable. I tried to express to my doctor that I wasn't merely uncomfortable; I was experiencing a major medical problem that could have devastating effects. Thankfully my doctor, while still skeptical, took me seriously. He expressed that he still wanted me to deliver at 37 weeks (I was almost 36), but he was willing to move up my induction if an amniocentesis showed that Tanner's lungs were mature. I agreed to the procedure because the thought of waiting 9 more days was more than I could handle.
When my doctor attempted the amniocentesis, Tanner started thrashing around in my womb. He attempted to kick the needle and would not hold still. My doctor decided that it was too risky to complete the procedure and we agreed to try something else. The doctor did an ultrasound that showed that Tanner was a good size for 36 weeks, which gave us hope. Then I was checked and found to be 2 cm dilated, which was also a good sign. My doctor decided to take a major chance and go with his gut feeling. We were scheduled for an induction on that Wednesday, September 15, 2010.
During the day of my induction, my doctor showed me the results of my liver function test that had been drawn that morning. He pointed out that the normal range for liver enzymes is 20 to 30. On the morning that I was induced, my liver function was 516, nearly 20 times the normal amount. Later, I would find out that my bile acid count was 101. The normal range for bile acids is less than 10 and the risk of stillbirth goes up significantly when bile acids are over 40. I had 10 times the normal amount of bile acids and 2.5 times the level that is associated with stillbirth. I couldn't believe it. While the blood test results were startling and somewhat disturbing, they gave credibility to me and reinforced my doctor's gut feeling to move up the induction. In some ways, I think the lab results also spooked all of us because they showed how close we came to potentially losing Tanner.
The induction itself was pretty textbook: I checked in at 7 am, my water was broken at 1:00 pm, I received periodic increases of Pitocin all day, got my epidural at 7:00 pm, and delivered Tanner at 8:18 pm. I pushed for 15 minutes and Tanner was born with no complications. I received a few stitches and waited to hold my baby.
Tanner did not look well when he came out, nor did he cry like I had hoped he would. Because he was so premature, he was covered in a yellowish waxy substance and had a lot of mucous that prevented him from crying. While they were cleaning him off, he did let out a loud squeak, which brought Matt and I to tears. The pediatrician took Tanner to the NICU to finish cleaning him off and get his IV started. She did bring him back to me a few times so I could hold him.
I wish I could say that my battle with ICP ended shortly after I posted my last entry, but the truth is that it got steadily worse. As the weeks wore on, my skin itched so badly that I developed scabs and scars from tearing my skin off with my fingernails. My doctor completed a series of steroid shots, which helped for a few days. Then I started itching very badly before the Labor Day weekend, so my doctor prescribed some oral steroids, which also worked for a few days. Following Labor Day, the itching got so intense that I could no longer sleep and had become an emotional mess.
On Monday, September 13, I went to my doctor and expressed to him that I couldn't stand the itching any longer. The itching, combined with the intense worry that something was happening to my baby, had become unbearable. I tried to express to my doctor that I wasn't merely uncomfortable; I was experiencing a major medical problem that could have devastating effects. Thankfully my doctor, while still skeptical, took me seriously. He expressed that he still wanted me to deliver at 37 weeks (I was almost 36), but he was willing to move up my induction if an amniocentesis showed that Tanner's lungs were mature. I agreed to the procedure because the thought of waiting 9 more days was more than I could handle.
When my doctor attempted the amniocentesis, Tanner started thrashing around in my womb. He attempted to kick the needle and would not hold still. My doctor decided that it was too risky to complete the procedure and we agreed to try something else. The doctor did an ultrasound that showed that Tanner was a good size for 36 weeks, which gave us hope. Then I was checked and found to be 2 cm dilated, which was also a good sign. My doctor decided to take a major chance and go with his gut feeling. We were scheduled for an induction on that Wednesday, September 15, 2010.
During the day of my induction, my doctor showed me the results of my liver function test that had been drawn that morning. He pointed out that the normal range for liver enzymes is 20 to 30. On the morning that I was induced, my liver function was 516, nearly 20 times the normal amount. Later, I would find out that my bile acid count was 101. The normal range for bile acids is less than 10 and the risk of stillbirth goes up significantly when bile acids are over 40. I had 10 times the normal amount of bile acids and 2.5 times the level that is associated with stillbirth. I couldn't believe it. While the blood test results were startling and somewhat disturbing, they gave credibility to me and reinforced my doctor's gut feeling to move up the induction. In some ways, I think the lab results also spooked all of us because they showed how close we came to potentially losing Tanner.
The induction itself was pretty textbook: I checked in at 7 am, my water was broken at 1:00 pm, I received periodic increases of Pitocin all day, got my epidural at 7:00 pm, and delivered Tanner at 8:18 pm. I pushed for 15 minutes and Tanner was born with no complications. I received a few stitches and waited to hold my baby.
Tanner did not look well when he came out, nor did he cry like I had hoped he would. Because he was so premature, he was covered in a yellowish waxy substance and had a lot of mucous that prevented him from crying. While they were cleaning him off, he did let out a loud squeak, which brought Matt and I to tears. The pediatrician took Tanner to the NICU to finish cleaning him off and get his IV started. She did bring him back to me a few times so I could hold him.
Later that night, Matt and I went to the NICU to look at Tanner. He was beautiful. I can't adequately describe the flood of emotions that I felt when looking at him that night. I couldn't believe that he had actually made it through the pregnancy and birth. Suddenly, I felt the full weight of everything that Tanner and I had overcome; the efforts to get pregnant, the uncertainty of a second pregnancy so soon after the first, and having my worst fear realized when my ICP returned. When I looked at Tanner, I saw a tiny baby who, with the help of competent doctors and supportive friends and family, had already beaten the odds.
Even though Tanner was hooked up to all kinds of machines, they didn't scare me at all. Deep-down, I knew that Tanner was perfectly healthy and that he wouldn't stay in the hospital for very long. Slowly, the medical staff removed the machines, pronounced Tanner to be perfectly healthy, and discharged him just 48 hours after he was born.
Bringing Tanner home felt incredible. In a lot of ways, it seems like Tanner has always been a member of our household. I know that having a baby is supposed to be a huge, earth shattering event, but honestly, it feels like the most normal and natural thing for us. Sure, having a new baby at home is an adjustment, but we know that we are ready to be good parents to our new addition.
Mentally, I am doing really well for the most part. I still have my tough days when I think about Keller and everything that my little family has endured. Sometimes, I look back at the last two years and feel angry because I now know that I can beat ICP with the right medical assistance. On my worst days, I look at Tanner and think to myself, If I had been listened to during my pregnancy with Keller, I could have them both. I know it sounds selfish and ungrateful to long for two living sons instead of being happy with one, but I gave birth to two. Having two children a year and 14 days apart would have been chaos, but I honestly believe that Matt and I could have handled it.
On most days, I have a positive outlook. Tanner is a healthy, happy baby. Matt is a phenomenal father. Our friends and family have poured out love and support in countless ways. We have been so blessed and life really is good. God has provided for and healed us beyond our expectations. The Eads family continues to move forward, one step at a time.
Tanner's birth is symbolic in a lot of ways. He is proof that good things happen when you have faith in God and in yourself. I think that anyone can look at him and get a renewed sense of hope. Tanner is evidence of God's love and the power of perseverance. He is a blessing for all of us.
Friday, August 13, 2010
Waiting on Baby Eads... with Summer winding down
I can't believe that the Summer is almost over. Matt is getting excited about hunting season and I am honestly excited for school to start. Fall is definitely the favorite season around the Eads house.
Since my last entry, Matt and I found out that we are having another boy and that his name will be Tanner Warren. We were both pretty convinced that we were having a girl, due to this pregnancy being so different from my pregnancy with Keller, but we were pleasantly surprised to be having a boy. We couldn't be more excited and blessed to be anticipating another son.
This summer has definitely been busy, as summers in Montana tend to be. I thought I would have more time for house projects and creative endeavors, but I've kept pretty busy with my summer program at the school, helping plan the Relay for Life, and going to doctor's appointments. It's amazing what you can cram into three months; somehow we seem to fill them to the brim with adventures and projects.
One of my favorite summer projects has been the Relay for Life, a fundraiser and awareness event for the American Cancer Society. This year, I served as the Team Development Chair and a team captain, which allowed me to share the event with a wide-range of people. Several of my friends and family members participated in the event, which made it more special for me. Tanner and I even managed to log nine miles and stayed up all night long. I dedicated my participation, and all those miles, to all people who have dealt with a mysterious or confusing medical condition. While I have never been diagnosed with cancer, I can honestly identify with people who have experienced the uncertainty and fear that often accompanies a major medical problem.
Following the Relay, I headed for Washington DC for a conference. The conference was awesome; inspiring and encouraging, while being informative and educational. Getting to and from DC, however, was a nightmare, and it reminded me how much I love the simplicity of a good road trip with Matt.
After I returned home from DC, my hands and feet started itching. While I prayed that it was just my skin being shocked at the abrupt humidity changes, I knew in the back of my mind that my cholestasis had returned. The itching continues to be mostly on my hands and feet, although I also feel it on my chest, ears, other areas, and it gets worse at night and early in the morning. I'm afraid to be itching again, because I am only 31 weeks along. With Keller, I didn't itch like this until about 36 weeks and that had devastating effects.
The good news is that my doctor is on board and is taking me seriously. This morning he ordered a serum bile acid test and a liver function test, which will confirm the diagnosis of cholestasis and open the door to prescribe the only medication known to help lower liver enzymes and bile acids. Hopefully this medication reduces the itching and prevents problems for my baby. The doctor also monitored Tanner, who did NOT like the monitor things and tried to kick them off. Toward the end of the appointment, my doctor gave me a steroid shot in hopes of increasing Tanner's lung maturity. The steroids are just a precaution in case the medication doesn't work and Tanner must be delivered very early. It is our hope that we can take steps to keep Tanner from being delivered prior to 37 weeks.
Through all of this uncertainty, I am anxious but also very hopeful. I can't help but worry that I am experiencing the same condition that, in my mind, contributed to losing Keller. It's a very scary notion that I don't take lightly. On the other hand, I have peace knowing that I am more knowledgeable about the condition this time and I have a very dedicated medical team behind me.
As the one-year anniversary of Keller's death approaches, I am filled with mixed and conflicting emotions. I miss Keller every single day and I feel the weight of his absence in everything I do. Tanner's presence in my life, while providing a distraction from my grief, has not reduced my sadness or changed how I feel about my firstborn son. I now know what other moms mean when they talk about loving each child individually and unconditionally; each of our children is a separate being and our love for them stays with them wherever they go.
My hope is that I can get to a place where I look at September 1st as the day I held Keller, not as the day he left us. His first birthday is bittersweet; we are sad because we haven't been able to see him develop and grow. We can only wonder what our house would be like with him toddling around. Matt and I are trying to be happy as we celebrate Keller's brief but significant time with us. We continue to gain a better understanding of the fact that Keller was (and is) a vital member of our family, even if he never drew a breath. This is a time to reflect on our many blessings, not just dwell on all that has been lost.
I can't help but feel Keller's presence as I prepare to welcome his baby brother into the world. I like to picture Keller up on heaven, celebrating his birthday with a good round of golf with his Uncle Jack. I think they would both be amused at the fact that Tanner appears to be a stubborn and determined baby, who has decided to make his entrance into the world on his own, possibly unorthodox, terms.
As summer winds down, Matt and I continue to cope with emotions that run the gamut. We have all of the expected emotions of anxiety, excitement, and anticipation. We are also coping with feelings of sadness and grief that have followed us for the year since Keller's death. At the end of the day, however, we are reflective but hopeful. God has provided us with the strength needed to cope, heal, and move forward. We can't wait to share our love for God and each other with our little Tanner, whenever and however he decides to arrive.
Since my last entry, Matt and I found out that we are having another boy and that his name will be Tanner Warren. We were both pretty convinced that we were having a girl, due to this pregnancy being so different from my pregnancy with Keller, but we were pleasantly surprised to be having a boy. We couldn't be more excited and blessed to be anticipating another son.
This summer has definitely been busy, as summers in Montana tend to be. I thought I would have more time for house projects and creative endeavors, but I've kept pretty busy with my summer program at the school, helping plan the Relay for Life, and going to doctor's appointments. It's amazing what you can cram into three months; somehow we seem to fill them to the brim with adventures and projects.
One of my favorite summer projects has been the Relay for Life, a fundraiser and awareness event for the American Cancer Society. This year, I served as the Team Development Chair and a team captain, which allowed me to share the event with a wide-range of people. Several of my friends and family members participated in the event, which made it more special for me. Tanner and I even managed to log nine miles and stayed up all night long. I dedicated my participation, and all those miles, to all people who have dealt with a mysterious or confusing medical condition. While I have never been diagnosed with cancer, I can honestly identify with people who have experienced the uncertainty and fear that often accompanies a major medical problem.
Following the Relay, I headed for Washington DC for a conference. The conference was awesome; inspiring and encouraging, while being informative and educational. Getting to and from DC, however, was a nightmare, and it reminded me how much I love the simplicity of a good road trip with Matt.
After I returned home from DC, my hands and feet started itching. While I prayed that it was just my skin being shocked at the abrupt humidity changes, I knew in the back of my mind that my cholestasis had returned. The itching continues to be mostly on my hands and feet, although I also feel it on my chest, ears, other areas, and it gets worse at night and early in the morning. I'm afraid to be itching again, because I am only 31 weeks along. With Keller, I didn't itch like this until about 36 weeks and that had devastating effects.
The good news is that my doctor is on board and is taking me seriously. This morning he ordered a serum bile acid test and a liver function test, which will confirm the diagnosis of cholestasis and open the door to prescribe the only medication known to help lower liver enzymes and bile acids. Hopefully this medication reduces the itching and prevents problems for my baby. The doctor also monitored Tanner, who did NOT like the monitor things and tried to kick them off. Toward the end of the appointment, my doctor gave me a steroid shot in hopes of increasing Tanner's lung maturity. The steroids are just a precaution in case the medication doesn't work and Tanner must be delivered very early. It is our hope that we can take steps to keep Tanner from being delivered prior to 37 weeks.
Through all of this uncertainty, I am anxious but also very hopeful. I can't help but worry that I am experiencing the same condition that, in my mind, contributed to losing Keller. It's a very scary notion that I don't take lightly. On the other hand, I have peace knowing that I am more knowledgeable about the condition this time and I have a very dedicated medical team behind me.
As the one-year anniversary of Keller's death approaches, I am filled with mixed and conflicting emotions. I miss Keller every single day and I feel the weight of his absence in everything I do. Tanner's presence in my life, while providing a distraction from my grief, has not reduced my sadness or changed how I feel about my firstborn son. I now know what other moms mean when they talk about loving each child individually and unconditionally; each of our children is a separate being and our love for them stays with them wherever they go.
My hope is that I can get to a place where I look at September 1st as the day I held Keller, not as the day he left us. His first birthday is bittersweet; we are sad because we haven't been able to see him develop and grow. We can only wonder what our house would be like with him toddling around. Matt and I are trying to be happy as we celebrate Keller's brief but significant time with us. We continue to gain a better understanding of the fact that Keller was (and is) a vital member of our family, even if he never drew a breath. This is a time to reflect on our many blessings, not just dwell on all that has been lost.
I can't help but feel Keller's presence as I prepare to welcome his baby brother into the world. I like to picture Keller up on heaven, celebrating his birthday with a good round of golf with his Uncle Jack. I think they would both be amused at the fact that Tanner appears to be a stubborn and determined baby, who has decided to make his entrance into the world on his own, possibly unorthodox, terms.
As summer winds down, Matt and I continue to cope with emotions that run the gamut. We have all of the expected emotions of anxiety, excitement, and anticipation. We are also coping with feelings of sadness and grief that have followed us for the year since Keller's death. At the end of the day, however, we are reflective but hopeful. God has provided us with the strength needed to cope, heal, and move forward. We can't wait to share our love for God and each other with our little Tanner, whenever and however he decides to arrive.
Monday, May 17, 2010
A season of conflicting emotions... and great joy
My emotions have been all over the place, which is the biggest reason why I haven't written in a long time. Every time I have a coherent thought, it is usually replaced by a random, and often distracting, thought. I blame my mom, in part, for my ADD. The rest can be blamed on the season and a major influx of hormones.
The biggest news is that Matt and I are expecting our second baby, due October 13. I can't express how excited and eager I am to welcome this new little one into our home. This pregnancy has been so different from my pregnancy with Keller, which I prayed for, and I am so grateful that we are blessed to be in this position again.
Being pregnant again this soon after giving birth is challenging, both physically and emotionally. While I am confident that we have timed this pregnancy right, there are a million difficult questions and challenges that we have to address. My body feels good, but I can definitely tell that I am worn out from almost two straight years of trying to get pregnant and being pregnant. I am somewhat concerned that I wasn't able to lose all the weight from Keller (I came within 8 lbs) and hoping that my liver and gall bladder are recovered from the cholestasis that I experienced last time.
I have changed doctors and hospitals completely. The new environment is very therapeutic and my new providers are top-notch. The entire staff at my new doctor's office has treated me with the highest level of kindness and understanding and I am grateful that I found them.
My new OB appears to be somewhat knowledgeable about cholestasis, although he and I have some different beliefs about the symptoms and effects of the disease. At my first appointment, he asked me if I had been jaundiced last time, which is not considered a likely symptom of cholestasis. He was also surprised that I did not have my gall bladder removed following delivering Keller. That was the first I had heard about gall bladder removal following cholestasis, but he seemed to believe that it could help prevent symptoms in future pregnancies. All in all, my new doctor appears to be willing to learn and understand cholestasis, and he is committed to preventing me from experiencing symptoms in this pregnancy. I am confident that he is the right provider for me for this pregnancy.
There are a lot of question marks about my health right now, which is a major reason why I haven't told a lot of people about being pregnant. I am receiving additional testing to make sure that my liver and gall bladder are working properly. So far, I have had one normal test and one test that showed elevated liver enzymes. I am also changing my diet in an effort to keep my liver in the normal range. I am doing all that I can to maintain my health, and ensure the best outcome for this new baby.
Even if I don't experience itching again, I will likely deliver early this time. Mentally, I don't think that I will make it to 40 weeks and I am confident that my next baby will be healthy enough to be delivered at 37 or 38 weeks. I don't have the luxury of getting past the first trimester and feeling like I'm out of the "critical period." Also, I think that my mental health will be negatively affected the closer I get to 40 weeks.
Mentally and emotionally, I am all over the place. I am genuinely happy to be pregnant again, and I am sincerely excited for this next adventure. However, I am resentful of going through another pregnancy when I should be bonding with my son. I haven't truly embraced this pregnancy because it is still an abstract concept to me. I haven't made the transition from "I'm pregnant" to "I'm having a baby." Last time I was "having a baby" from the moment I heard the first heartbeat. This time I may have to hear him or her cry to be sure that I am truly becoming the mother of a living baby.
I pray that my friends and family understand my reluctance and hesitation to talk about and fully embrace this pregnancy. I mean no disrespect to those whom I haven't told about this new baby. I am really not ready for advice, questions, or criticism at this point and I'm not sure if I will be. I do, however, welcome thoughts, prayers, and well wishes.
The biggest news is that Matt and I are expecting our second baby, due October 13. I can't express how excited and eager I am to welcome this new little one into our home. This pregnancy has been so different from my pregnancy with Keller, which I prayed for, and I am so grateful that we are blessed to be in this position again.
Being pregnant again this soon after giving birth is challenging, both physically and emotionally. While I am confident that we have timed this pregnancy right, there are a million difficult questions and challenges that we have to address. My body feels good, but I can definitely tell that I am worn out from almost two straight years of trying to get pregnant and being pregnant. I am somewhat concerned that I wasn't able to lose all the weight from Keller (I came within 8 lbs) and hoping that my liver and gall bladder are recovered from the cholestasis that I experienced last time.
I have changed doctors and hospitals completely. The new environment is very therapeutic and my new providers are top-notch. The entire staff at my new doctor's office has treated me with the highest level of kindness and understanding and I am grateful that I found them.
My new OB appears to be somewhat knowledgeable about cholestasis, although he and I have some different beliefs about the symptoms and effects of the disease. At my first appointment, he asked me if I had been jaundiced last time, which is not considered a likely symptom of cholestasis. He was also surprised that I did not have my gall bladder removed following delivering Keller. That was the first I had heard about gall bladder removal following cholestasis, but he seemed to believe that it could help prevent symptoms in future pregnancies. All in all, my new doctor appears to be willing to learn and understand cholestasis, and he is committed to preventing me from experiencing symptoms in this pregnancy. I am confident that he is the right provider for me for this pregnancy.
There are a lot of question marks about my health right now, which is a major reason why I haven't told a lot of people about being pregnant. I am receiving additional testing to make sure that my liver and gall bladder are working properly. So far, I have had one normal test and one test that showed elevated liver enzymes. I am also changing my diet in an effort to keep my liver in the normal range. I am doing all that I can to maintain my health, and ensure the best outcome for this new baby.
Even if I don't experience itching again, I will likely deliver early this time. Mentally, I don't think that I will make it to 40 weeks and I am confident that my next baby will be healthy enough to be delivered at 37 or 38 weeks. I don't have the luxury of getting past the first trimester and feeling like I'm out of the "critical period." Also, I think that my mental health will be negatively affected the closer I get to 40 weeks.
Mentally and emotionally, I am all over the place. I am genuinely happy to be pregnant again, and I am sincerely excited for this next adventure. However, I am resentful of going through another pregnancy when I should be bonding with my son. I haven't truly embraced this pregnancy because it is still an abstract concept to me. I haven't made the transition from "I'm pregnant" to "I'm having a baby." Last time I was "having a baby" from the moment I heard the first heartbeat. This time I may have to hear him or her cry to be sure that I am truly becoming the mother of a living baby.
I pray that my friends and family understand my reluctance and hesitation to talk about and fully embrace this pregnancy. I mean no disrespect to those whom I haven't told about this new baby. I am really not ready for advice, questions, or criticism at this point and I'm not sure if I will be. I do, however, welcome thoughts, prayers, and well wishes.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Grit has to be earned... every day
"For as much as she stumbled she's runnin'
For as much as she runs she's still here
Always hoping to find something
Quicker than heaven
To make the damage of her days disappear"
~Eli Young Band, from the song, Guinevere
I first heard this song long before it was on the radio. The Eli Young Band played it when we went to the Gary Allan concert at the Butte Civic Center. The lyrics struck me because they describe a woman who is strong. She has stumbled, but she's not giving up. She's still here, looking for answers to "the damage of her days." I can definitely relate to the song and the woman that it describes.
Over the course of my life, I have had a lot of opportunities to get acquainted with my own tenacity and grit. It's not something that I ever set out to do; life happens and we make choices to either get tougher or not. Fortunately I haven't had to find out what "or not" would entail because somehow I keep surviving.
I don't think that I come across as a particularly gritty person, but when you get to know me, I hope it's one of the ways that you would describe me to others.
A lot of people have told me their opinions about when Matt and I should try for another baby. Some people say as soon as I'm physically ready. Others say that we need to wait until we are mentally and physically healed before trying for a baby. Some tell us specific time periods to wait, and those range from six months to a year. My doctor told us the best amount of time to wait would be a year, but that we should wait six months at the very least.
My answer to people and their opinions is, "I have done everything else in my life on 'Jami-time' and I am not going to stop now." All of those time suggestions and advice are heard and somewhat appreciated. However, they don't take into account my grit. Maybe most people should wait six months to a year after a loss to try again. However I am not most people. I consider myself to be grittier, stronger, and more determined than the average person.
I have no idea when Matt and I will achieve our dream of having another baby. The only thing I really know for sure is that it will be tough. Just because I get pregnant again, doesn't mean that losing Keller will suddenly be okay. I am healing, and another pregnancy would definitely help the healing process, but nothing is going to fully stop the pain of not having Keller in my arms.
Tenacity and grit aren't things that you are born with; they are developed and achieved through overcoming challenges. Honestly, if I could change what's happened and exchange my grit for not experiencing the losses that I have, I would. I would happily go back to being a jellyfish if I could have my brother and my son back. But since I can't change what's happened, I will move forward. I will take my well-earned grit and tenacity and attempt to make my life mean something. Even though I've stumbled I'm going to keep running toward the things I want out of life; more children, a strong marriage, and a fulfilling career. I'm still here and earning my grit every day.
For as much as she runs she's still here
Always hoping to find something
Quicker than heaven
To make the damage of her days disappear"
~Eli Young Band, from the song, Guinevere
I first heard this song long before it was on the radio. The Eli Young Band played it when we went to the Gary Allan concert at the Butte Civic Center. The lyrics struck me because they describe a woman who is strong. She has stumbled, but she's not giving up. She's still here, looking for answers to "the damage of her days." I can definitely relate to the song and the woman that it describes.
Over the course of my life, I have had a lot of opportunities to get acquainted with my own tenacity and grit. It's not something that I ever set out to do; life happens and we make choices to either get tougher or not. Fortunately I haven't had to find out what "or not" would entail because somehow I keep surviving.
I don't think that I come across as a particularly gritty person, but when you get to know me, I hope it's one of the ways that you would describe me to others.
A lot of people have told me their opinions about when Matt and I should try for another baby. Some people say as soon as I'm physically ready. Others say that we need to wait until we are mentally and physically healed before trying for a baby. Some tell us specific time periods to wait, and those range from six months to a year. My doctor told us the best amount of time to wait would be a year, but that we should wait six months at the very least.
My answer to people and their opinions is, "I have done everything else in my life on 'Jami-time' and I am not going to stop now." All of those time suggestions and advice are heard and somewhat appreciated. However, they don't take into account my grit. Maybe most people should wait six months to a year after a loss to try again. However I am not most people. I consider myself to be grittier, stronger, and more determined than the average person.
I have no idea when Matt and I will achieve our dream of having another baby. The only thing I really know for sure is that it will be tough. Just because I get pregnant again, doesn't mean that losing Keller will suddenly be okay. I am healing, and another pregnancy would definitely help the healing process, but nothing is going to fully stop the pain of not having Keller in my arms.
Tenacity and grit aren't things that you are born with; they are developed and achieved through overcoming challenges. Honestly, if I could change what's happened and exchange my grit for not experiencing the losses that I have, I would. I would happily go back to being a jellyfish if I could have my brother and my son back. But since I can't change what's happened, I will move forward. I will take my well-earned grit and tenacity and attempt to make my life mean something. Even though I've stumbled I'm going to keep running toward the things I want out of life; more children, a strong marriage, and a fulfilling career. I'm still here and earning my grit every day.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Words... they have the power to hurt or heal
I have always liked words. When I was little, I loved being read to so much that I convinced my babysitter to teach me to read when I was three. After that, I read everything. From cereal boxes to newspapers, to picture books and novels, I couldn't get enough words. When I finally got glasses at age 5, a whole new world of words was opened up to me. Suddenly I could read signs, menus, and smaller print books. When I got glasses, I also started to speak more. The world made a lot more sense to me, and I had more to say about it, when I could actually see.
When I got pregnant with Keller, I was surprised at how much people had to say about my pregnancy. It seemed like everyone had something to say or a question to ask about my baby and my changing body. Most people's reactions were positive. They wanted to know how I was feeling and shared my excitement about having a baby. A lot of people were really encouraging and positive. However, there were a lot of people who said careless and hurtful things and those things have, unfortunately, stuck with me.
I admit, I am sensitive to people's words. I get my feelings hurt easily because I trust people not to be careless and insensitive with their words. I have high expectations, both for myself and for other people, to choose words wisely and refrain from saying things that are intentionally or carelessly rude or hurtful. Now, I'm not saying that I have never said something that was intentionally or accidentally mean or hurtful. However, I hope that most of the time I am as careful with words as I expect others to be.
From my perspective, I have come a long way in my efforts to develop a "thicker skin" when dealing with insensitive people. I have learned how to recognize the difference between people who use words carelessly versus those who use them aggressively. I am now a lot more accepting of people who simply don't think about what they say than those who intentionally want to hurt my feelings or see me react in some negative way.
Recently, one of my friends said that it was "entertaining" to say crazy things to me because it's fun to see my reactions. While I, being the reality television fan that I am, should not begrudge any one's entertainment choices, her comment confused me a lot. Why would you intentionally say hurtful or odd things to me, just to see my reaction? The funny part is, I often don't react at all. I classify myself as a "processor," not a "reactor." Most of my reactions occur days later when I am done making sense of what was said. Being a processor usually serves me well in my job and personal life because I'm not likely to "fly off the handle" or do something that I have to fix later.
I consider myself to be a pretty forgiving person and I really don't hold a grudge toward people who have said rude and hurtful things to me in the past. However, I haven't forgotten their words, nor do I trust them to be caring and sensitive with my feelings in the future. I just don't want to be someone who holds on to negativity. Negativity robs you of your joy and I'm not willing to part with joy, even to make a point or put someone in their place.
When I think about getting pregnant again, one of my biggest concerns is, what will people say? After all I have been through and overcome, it's insane to me that I worry about that but I do. What are people going to say when I announce my next pregnancy? My feelings are pretty raw still. Throw in pregnancy hormones and I will be extremely upset if anyone says something hurtful, even if it is unintentional. I want my next pregnancy to be a time of joy and excitement, even if it is accompanied by anxiety and uncertainty.
Writing about this experience has been so good for me and I hope that my words have been a source of healing and support for others who are going through similar experiences. As I move forward, with the hope of becoming pregnant sometime soon, I pray that God will make me deaf to negative words and open my ears to encouragement and support. I pray that God would give me the strength to withstand negative questions and comments and that he would continue to surround me with people who are consistently supportive and helpful. I further pray that God will give those around us, especially our families, the strength and fortitude it takes to be there as we continue to heal and expand our family.
When I got pregnant with Keller, I was surprised at how much people had to say about my pregnancy. It seemed like everyone had something to say or a question to ask about my baby and my changing body. Most people's reactions were positive. They wanted to know how I was feeling and shared my excitement about having a baby. A lot of people were really encouraging and positive. However, there were a lot of people who said careless and hurtful things and those things have, unfortunately, stuck with me.
I admit, I am sensitive to people's words. I get my feelings hurt easily because I trust people not to be careless and insensitive with their words. I have high expectations, both for myself and for other people, to choose words wisely and refrain from saying things that are intentionally or carelessly rude or hurtful. Now, I'm not saying that I have never said something that was intentionally or accidentally mean or hurtful. However, I hope that most of the time I am as careful with words as I expect others to be.
From my perspective, I have come a long way in my efforts to develop a "thicker skin" when dealing with insensitive people. I have learned how to recognize the difference between people who use words carelessly versus those who use them aggressively. I am now a lot more accepting of people who simply don't think about what they say than those who intentionally want to hurt my feelings or see me react in some negative way.
Recently, one of my friends said that it was "entertaining" to say crazy things to me because it's fun to see my reactions. While I, being the reality television fan that I am, should not begrudge any one's entertainment choices, her comment confused me a lot. Why would you intentionally say hurtful or odd things to me, just to see my reaction? The funny part is, I often don't react at all. I classify myself as a "processor," not a "reactor." Most of my reactions occur days later when I am done making sense of what was said. Being a processor usually serves me well in my job and personal life because I'm not likely to "fly off the handle" or do something that I have to fix later.
I consider myself to be a pretty forgiving person and I really don't hold a grudge toward people who have said rude and hurtful things to me in the past. However, I haven't forgotten their words, nor do I trust them to be caring and sensitive with my feelings in the future. I just don't want to be someone who holds on to negativity. Negativity robs you of your joy and I'm not willing to part with joy, even to make a point or put someone in their place.
When I think about getting pregnant again, one of my biggest concerns is, what will people say? After all I have been through and overcome, it's insane to me that I worry about that but I do. What are people going to say when I announce my next pregnancy? My feelings are pretty raw still. Throw in pregnancy hormones and I will be extremely upset if anyone says something hurtful, even if it is unintentional. I want my next pregnancy to be a time of joy and excitement, even if it is accompanied by anxiety and uncertainty.
Writing about this experience has been so good for me and I hope that my words have been a source of healing and support for others who are going through similar experiences. As I move forward, with the hope of becoming pregnant sometime soon, I pray that God will make me deaf to negative words and open my ears to encouragement and support. I pray that God would give me the strength to withstand negative questions and comments and that he would continue to surround me with people who are consistently supportive and helpful. I further pray that God will give those around us, especially our families, the strength and fortitude it takes to be there as we continue to heal and expand our family.
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