Grit has to be earned... every day

"For as much as she stumbled she's runnin'
For as much as she runs she's still here
Always hoping to find something
Quicker than heaven
To make the damage of her days disappear"
~Eli Young Band, from the song, Guinevere

I first heard this song long before it was on the radio. The Eli Young Band played it when we went to the Gary Allan concert at the Butte Civic Center. The lyrics struck me because they describe a woman who is strong. She has stumbled, but she's not giving up. She's still here, looking for answers to "the damage of her days." I can definitely relate to the song and the woman that it describes.

Over the course of my life, I have had a lot of opportunities to get acquainted with my own tenacity and grit. It's not something that I ever set out to do; life happens and we make choices to either get tougher or not. Fortunately I haven't had to find out what "or not" would entail because somehow I keep surviving.

I don't think that I come across as a particularly gritty person, but when you get to know me, I hope it's one of the ways that you would describe me to others.

A lot of people have told me their opinions about when Matt and I should try for another baby. Some people say as soon as I'm physically ready. Others say that we need to wait until we are mentally and physically healed before trying for a baby. Some tell us specific time periods to wait, and those range from six months to a year. My doctor told us the best amount of time to wait would be a year, but that we should wait six months at the very least.

My answer to people and their opinions is, "I have done everything else in my life on 'Jami-time' and I am not going to stop now." All of those time suggestions and advice are heard and somewhat appreciated. However, they don't take into account my grit. Maybe most people should wait six months to a year after a loss to try again. However I am not most people. I consider myself to be grittier, stronger, and more determined than the average person.

I have no idea when Matt and I will achieve our dream of having another baby. The only thing I really know for sure is that it will be tough. Just because I get pregnant again, doesn't mean that losing Keller will suddenly be okay. I am healing, and another pregnancy would definitely help the healing process, but nothing is going to fully stop the pain of not having Keller in my arms.

Tenacity and grit aren't things that you are born with; they are developed and achieved through overcoming challenges. Honestly, if I could change what's happened and exchange my grit for not experiencing the losses that I have, I would. I would happily go back to being a jellyfish if I could have my brother and my son back. But since I can't change what's happened, I will move forward. I will take my well-earned grit and tenacity and attempt to make my life mean something. Even though I've stumbled I'm going to keep running toward the things I want out of life; more children, a strong marriage, and a fulfilling career. I'm still here and earning my grit every day.