Waiting on Baby Eads... with Summer winding down

I can't believe that the Summer is almost over. Matt is getting excited about hunting season and I am honestly excited for school to start. Fall is definitely the favorite season around the Eads house.

Since my last entry, Matt and I found out that we are having another boy and that his name will be Tanner Warren. We were both pretty convinced that we were having a girl, due to this pregnancy being so different from my pregnancy with Keller, but we were pleasantly surprised to be having a boy. We couldn't be more excited and blessed to be anticipating another son.

This summer has definitely been busy, as summers in Montana tend to be. I thought I would have more time for house projects and creative endeavors, but I've kept pretty busy with my summer program at the school, helping plan the Relay for Life, and going to doctor's appointments. It's amazing what you can cram into three months; somehow we seem to fill them to the brim with adventures and projects.

One of my favorite summer projects has been the Relay for Life, a fundraiser and awareness event for the American Cancer Society. This year, I served as the Team Development Chair and a team captain, which allowed me to share the event with a wide-range of people. Several of my friends and family members participated in the event, which made it more special for me. Tanner and I even managed to log nine miles and stayed up all night long. I dedicated my participation, and all those miles, to all people who have dealt with a mysterious or confusing medical condition. While I have never been diagnosed with cancer, I can honestly identify with people who have experienced the uncertainty and fear that often accompanies a major medical problem.

Following the Relay, I headed for Washington DC for a conference. The conference was awesome; inspiring and encouraging, while being informative and educational. Getting to and from DC, however, was a nightmare, and it reminded me how much I love the simplicity of a good road trip with Matt.

After I returned home from DC, my hands and feet started itching. While I prayed that it was just my skin being shocked at the abrupt humidity changes, I knew in the back of my mind that my cholestasis had returned. The itching continues to be mostly on my hands and feet, although I also feel it on my chest, ears, other areas, and it gets worse at night and early in the morning. I'm afraid to be itching again, because I am only 31 weeks along. With Keller, I didn't itch like this until about 36 weeks and that had devastating effects.

The good news is that my doctor is on board and is taking me seriously. This morning he ordered a serum bile acid test and a liver function test, which will confirm the diagnosis of cholestasis and open the door to prescribe the only medication known to help lower liver enzymes and bile acids. Hopefully this medication reduces the itching and prevents problems for my baby. The doctor also monitored Tanner, who did NOT like the monitor things and tried to kick them off. Toward the end of the appointment, my doctor gave me a steroid shot in hopes of increasing Tanner's lung maturity. The steroids are just a precaution in case the medication doesn't work and Tanner must be delivered very early. It is our hope that we can take steps to keep Tanner from being delivered prior to 37 weeks.

Through all of this uncertainty, I am anxious but also very hopeful. I can't help but worry that I am experiencing the same condition that, in my mind, contributed to losing Keller. It's a very scary notion that I don't take lightly. On the other hand, I have peace knowing that I am more knowledgeable about the condition this time and I have a very dedicated medical team behind me.

As the one-year anniversary of Keller's death approaches, I am filled with mixed and conflicting emotions. I miss Keller every single day and I feel the weight of his absence in everything I do. Tanner's presence in my life, while providing a distraction from my grief, has not reduced my sadness or changed how I feel about my firstborn son. I now know what other moms mean when they talk about loving each child individually and unconditionally; each of our children is a separate being and our love for them stays with them wherever they go.

My hope is that I can get to a place where I look at September 1st as the day I held Keller, not as the day he left us. His first birthday is bittersweet; we are sad because we haven't been able to see him develop and grow. We can only wonder what our house would be like with him toddling around. Matt and I are trying to be happy as we celebrate Keller's brief but significant time with us. We continue to gain a better understanding of the fact that Keller was (and is) a vital member of our family, even if he never drew a breath. This is a time to reflect on our many blessings, not just dwell on all that has been lost.

I can't help but feel Keller's presence as I prepare to welcome his baby brother into the world. I like to picture Keller up on heaven, celebrating his birthday with a good round of golf with his Uncle Jack. I think they would both be amused at the fact that Tanner appears to be a stubborn and determined baby, who has decided to make his entrance into the world on his own, possibly unorthodox, terms.

As summer winds down, Matt and I continue to cope with emotions that run the gamut. We have all of the expected emotions of anxiety, excitement, and anticipation. We are also coping with feelings of sadness and grief that have followed us for the year since Keller's death. At the end of the day, however, we are reflective but hopeful. God has provided us with the strength needed to cope, heal, and move forward. We can't wait to share our love for God and each other with our little Tanner, whenever and however he decides to arrive.