My emotions have been all over the place, which is the biggest reason why I haven't written in a long time. Every time I have a coherent thought, it is usually replaced by a random, and often distracting, thought. I blame my mom, in part, for my ADD. The rest can be blamed on the season and a major influx of hormones.
The biggest news is that Matt and I are expecting our second baby, due October 13. I can't express how excited and eager I am to welcome this new little one into our home. This pregnancy has been so different from my pregnancy with Keller, which I prayed for, and I am so grateful that we are blessed to be in this position again.
Being pregnant again this soon after giving birth is challenging, both physically and emotionally. While I am confident that we have timed this pregnancy right, there are a million difficult questions and challenges that we have to address. My body feels good, but I can definitely tell that I am worn out from almost two straight years of trying to get pregnant and being pregnant. I am somewhat concerned that I wasn't able to lose all the weight from Keller (I came within 8 lbs) and hoping that my liver and gall bladder are recovered from the cholestasis that I experienced last time.
I have changed doctors and hospitals completely. The new environment is very therapeutic and my new providers are top-notch. The entire staff at my new doctor's office has treated me with the highest level of kindness and understanding and I am grateful that I found them.
My new OB appears to be somewhat knowledgeable about cholestasis, although he and I have some different beliefs about the symptoms and effects of the disease. At my first appointment, he asked me if I had been jaundiced last time, which is not considered a likely symptom of cholestasis. He was also surprised that I did not have my gall bladder removed following delivering Keller. That was the first I had heard about gall bladder removal following cholestasis, but he seemed to believe that it could help prevent symptoms in future pregnancies. All in all, my new doctor appears to be willing to learn and understand cholestasis, and he is committed to preventing me from experiencing symptoms in this pregnancy. I am confident that he is the right provider for me for this pregnancy.
There are a lot of question marks about my health right now, which is a major reason why I haven't told a lot of people about being pregnant. I am receiving additional testing to make sure that my liver and gall bladder are working properly. So far, I have had one normal test and one test that showed elevated liver enzymes. I am also changing my diet in an effort to keep my liver in the normal range. I am doing all that I can to maintain my health, and ensure the best outcome for this new baby.
Even if I don't experience itching again, I will likely deliver early this time. Mentally, I don't think that I will make it to 40 weeks and I am confident that my next baby will be healthy enough to be delivered at 37 or 38 weeks. I don't have the luxury of getting past the first trimester and feeling like I'm out of the "critical period." Also, I think that my mental health will be negatively affected the closer I get to 40 weeks.
Mentally and emotionally, I am all over the place. I am genuinely happy to be pregnant again, and I am sincerely excited for this next adventure. However, I am resentful of going through another pregnancy when I should be bonding with my son. I haven't truly embraced this pregnancy because it is still an abstract concept to me. I haven't made the transition from "I'm pregnant" to "I'm having a baby." Last time I was "having a baby" from the moment I heard the first heartbeat. This time I may have to hear him or her cry to be sure that I am truly becoming the mother of a living baby.
I pray that my friends and family understand my reluctance and hesitation to talk about and fully embrace this pregnancy. I mean no disrespect to those whom I haven't told about this new baby. I am really not ready for advice, questions, or criticism at this point and I'm not sure if I will be. I do, however, welcome thoughts, prayers, and well wishes.
