I wish I could say that my battle with ICP ended shortly after I posted my last entry, but the truth is that it got steadily worse. As the weeks wore on, my skin itched so badly that I developed scabs and scars from tearing my skin off with my fingernails. My doctor completed a series of steroid shots, which helped for a few days. Then I started itching very badly before the Labor Day weekend, so my doctor prescribed some oral steroids, which also worked for a few days. Following Labor Day, the itching got so intense that I could no longer sleep and had become an emotional mess.
On Monday, September 13, I went to my doctor and expressed to him that I couldn't stand the itching any longer. The itching, combined with the intense worry that something was happening to my baby, had become unbearable. I tried to express to my doctor that I wasn't merely uncomfortable; I was experiencing a major medical problem that could have devastating effects. Thankfully my doctor, while still skeptical, took me seriously. He expressed that he still wanted me to deliver at 37 weeks (I was almost 36), but he was willing to move up my induction if an amniocentesis showed that Tanner's lungs were mature. I agreed to the procedure because the thought of waiting 9 more days was more than I could handle.
When my doctor attempted the amniocentesis, Tanner started thrashing around in my womb. He attempted to kick the needle and would not hold still. My doctor decided that it was too risky to complete the procedure and we agreed to try something else. The doctor did an ultrasound that showed that Tanner was a good size for 36 weeks, which gave us hope. Then I was checked and found to be 2 cm dilated, which was also a good sign. My doctor decided to take a major chance and go with his gut feeling. We were scheduled for an induction on that Wednesday, September 15, 2010.
During the day of my induction, my doctor showed me the results of my liver function test that had been drawn that morning. He pointed out that the normal range for liver enzymes is 20 to 30. On the morning that I was induced, my liver function was 516, nearly 20 times the normal amount. Later, I would find out that my bile acid count was 101. The normal range for bile acids is less than 10 and the risk of stillbirth goes up significantly when bile acids are over 40. I had 10 times the normal amount of bile acids and 2.5 times the level that is associated with stillbirth. I couldn't believe it. While the blood test results were startling and somewhat disturbing, they gave credibility to me and reinforced my doctor's gut feeling to move up the induction. In some ways, I think the lab results also spooked all of us because they showed how close we came to potentially losing Tanner.
The induction itself was pretty textbook: I checked in at 7 am, my water was broken at 1:00 pm, I received periodic increases of Pitocin all day, got my epidural at 7:00 pm, and delivered Tanner at 8:18 pm. I pushed for 15 minutes and Tanner was born with no complications. I received a few stitches and waited to hold my baby.
Tanner did not look well when he came out, nor did he cry like I had hoped he would. Because he was so premature, he was covered in a yellowish waxy substance and had a lot of mucous that prevented him from crying. While they were cleaning him off, he did let out a loud squeak, which brought Matt and I to tears. The pediatrician took Tanner to the NICU to finish cleaning him off and get his IV started. She did bring him back to me a few times so I could hold him.
Later that night, Matt and I went to the NICU to look at Tanner. He was beautiful. I can't adequately describe the flood of emotions that I felt when looking at him that night. I couldn't believe that he had actually made it through the pregnancy and birth. Suddenly, I felt the full weight of everything that Tanner and I had overcome; the efforts to get pregnant, the uncertainty of a second pregnancy so soon after the first, and having my worst fear realized when my ICP returned. When I looked at Tanner, I saw a tiny baby who, with the help of competent doctors and supportive friends and family, had already beaten the odds.
Even though Tanner was hooked up to all kinds of machines, they didn't scare me at all. Deep-down, I knew that Tanner was perfectly healthy and that he wouldn't stay in the hospital for very long. Slowly, the medical staff removed the machines, pronounced Tanner to be perfectly healthy, and discharged him just 48 hours after he was born.
Bringing Tanner home felt incredible. In a lot of ways, it seems like Tanner has always been a member of our household. I know that having a baby is supposed to be a huge, earth shattering event, but honestly, it feels like the most normal and natural thing for us. Sure, having a new baby at home is an adjustment, but we know that we are ready to be good parents to our new addition.
Mentally, I am doing really well for the most part. I still have my tough days when I think about Keller and everything that my little family has endured. Sometimes, I look back at the last two years and feel angry because I now know that I can beat ICP with the right medical assistance. On my worst days, I look at Tanner and think to myself, If I had been listened to during my pregnancy with Keller, I could have them both. I know it sounds selfish and ungrateful to long for two living sons instead of being happy with one, but I gave birth to two. Having two children a year and 14 days apart would have been chaos, but I honestly believe that Matt and I could have handled it.
On most days, I have a positive outlook. Tanner is a healthy, happy baby. Matt is a phenomenal father. Our friends and family have poured out love and support in countless ways. We have been so blessed and life really is good. God has provided for and healed us beyond our expectations. The Eads family continues to move forward, one step at a time.
Tanner's birth is symbolic in a lot of ways. He is proof that good things happen when you have faith in God and in yourself. I think that anyone can look at him and get a renewed sense of hope. Tanner is evidence of God's love and the power of perseverance. He is a blessing for all of us.
